Uncharted Seas - what a carve up

Despite scorching heat, gale force winds (thanks D) and whiplash inducing Dr Pepper fueled burps (it's not just for 40K folks) a game of Uncharted Seas was played last night. The Orks (he) and dwarves (me) took to the sea with 3 cruisers and 6 escorts with the intention of blowing seven bells out of each other.

Right from the start things were looking dicey for the dwarves; the narrowness of the table favouring the orks front-on attack style and I quickly lost a couple of screening escort ships.

However thanks to tactical brilliance, a favourable wind (and some good luck) things started to turn in the dwarves favour. Despite, I should add, the considerable 'weasling' by my opponent. Example.

Says I. "I thought you said we were starting to apply the modifiers to AD this turn?"

"No, no," says He, "I said we were going to do that next game."

"You bull-shit muncher!" Says I.

Despite (or perhaps because of) such antics the orks were unable to turn the tide and were basically obliterated. At end of play they had lost all of their cruisers and all but one of the escort ships. The dwarves lost three escorts, though one cruiser was badly damaged. In other words 'a right stuffing'.

Highlights include the well drilled dwarf fire control teams who put out every conflagration before it had time to spread. The other memorable event was the disastrous tactical blunder on the orks part that saw them attempt to board one of my cruisers with one of their own. Not realising how badly damaged their ship was, the initial bump of contact was enough to completely break their keel and send the ork hulk (and its crew) to the bottom of the ocean. Oh how we I laughed! It must be said however that the damage sustained by the dwarf cruiser in this collision was possibly enough to lose them their no claims bonus.

Hopefully this bruising defeat will teach them not to try and fish in our waters again - it is a fool who stands in the way of a dwarf and his smoked kippers and starry-fish pie!

In short a good time was had by all.

Oh the travesty of this description of what fell upon the poor, meek Orcs who were happily minding their own business when they were brutally attacked by the Dwarven Navy!

Let your Uncle Digger tell you what really happened on that fateful night. . . . . .

My fleet consisted of 3 Cruisers and 6 Frigates deployed in two squadrons, allowing me the maximum 5 games cards in my hand.

After losing the initiative for set up, my ships were deployed with the Cruisers in the middle and the Frigate squadrons on the right flank. Already the Dwarves were licking their chops and thinking of victory beer – My poor Orcs wouldn’t hurt a fly!!

However, thanks to some spectacular manoeuvring in the first turn, I controlled the narrow gap between the two islands with a Warcroc squadron going around the small island in a flanking move (table to small my ass – there was plenty of room!).

My opening salvo at long range did no damage, so in turn two my capital ships surged forward into medium. Purely as a defensive move you understand, the Orcs were forced to open fire on those vicious Dwarven Mortis Frigates.

Whilst attempting to subdue the ravening fiends using minimum force, we unfortunately had to sink two of the Frigates; the Captain of the Orc ship calling for a moments silence and bowed heads to remember of gallant foe.

It was after this that things got nasty and much as we tried to ask them to stop and stating we would only defend ourselves they kept coming. Even our peace mission, when we came alongside one of their Cruisers to plead our case was rebuffed and the ship was sunk with all hands by those dastardly Dwarves!

But still the peace loving Orcs tried to placate the by now foaming at the mouth dwarves (that could have been the Dr. Peppar though) who were hell bent on nothing but total victory!

With no other recourse, the Orcs did the only thing they could, attempt to leave with as much dignity as possible, only to be shot in the back by the turreted Dwarven Frigates.

Its is thanks to the fact that one of the Orc Frigates escaped this carnage that we have the true story of what happened! And the moral, is never trust those Dr. Pepper Drinking, Fire Fighting, Sneaky, Swearing, Burping, Dice Rolling, Vicious, Brutal Dwarves!!

Revenge will be swift and cold!!!

Very amusing write-up folks. Thanks for sharing.

Crikey! If I'd known the crew of that surviving frigate were going to live to tell such lies I would demanded that we play one last round and blown the filthy little fibbers out of the water.

See!! Killing innocent Orcs to prevent them telling the truth!

Murderer!!